It's hard to explain puns to kleptomaniacs because they always take things literally.

Jean-Paul Sartre is sitting at a French cafe, revising his draft of Being and Nothingness. He says to the waitress, “I'd like a cup of coffee, please, with no cream.” The waitress replies, “I'm sorry, Monsieur, but we're out of cream. How about with no milk?”

Q: What does the “B” in Benoit B. Mandelbrot stand for?

A: Benoit B. Mandelbrot.

“Is it solipsistic in here, or is it just me?”

(And the follow-up: “Best new joke for this thread. Glad I thought of it.”)

Day 19: Have successfully conditioned a human to smile and write in his book every time I drool. - Pavlov's dog

I'd tell you a UDP joke, but you may not get it.

I prefer IP jokes; it's all in the delivery.

I could tell you a joke about TCP, but I'd have to keep repeating it until you got it.

Two fermions walk into a bar. The first says “I'd like a vodka martini with a twist.” The second says “Dammit, that's what I wanted!”

Werner Heisenberg, Kurt Gödel, and Noam Chomsky walk into a bar. Heisenberg turns to the other two and says, “Clearly this is a joke, but how can we figure out if it's funny or not?” Gödel replies, “We can't know that because we're inside the joke.” Chomsky says, “Of course it's funny. You're just telling it wrong.”

A physicist, a mathematician and an engineer stay in a hotel.

The engineer is awakened by a smell and gets up to check it. She finds a fire in the hallway, sees a nearby fire extinguisher and after extinguishing it, goes back to bed.

Later that night, the physicist gets up, again because of the smell of fire. She quickly gets up and sees the fire in the hallway. After waking the engineer and mathematician for safety, she calculates air pressure, flame temperature and humidity as well as distance to the fire and projected trajectory and extinguishes the fire with the least amount of fluid.

Later, the mathematician awakens to find the embers of the fire still smoldering. After giving much thought to the problem, she gets up and lights it up to an actual fire. Then she goes back to sleep, satisfied that the problem has been reduced to a previously solved one.

Entropy ain't what it used to be.

A group of open source developers are at a team building seminar. When during the night a fire breaks out in one of the developer's rooms, he quickly tears pages out of his notebook, lighting them on fire one by one. He then runs down the hall sliding sheets of burning paper under other developers' doors.

After the building burns to the ground the fire marshal asks the developer how the fire spread so fast.

He responds, “I thought distributing the problem would lead to finding a solution faster.”

A physicist, an engineer, and a statistician go out hunting. The physicist calculates the trajectory using ballistic equations, but assumes no air resistance, so his shot falls 5 meters short. The engineer adds a fudge factor for air resistance, and his shot lands 5 meters long. The statistician yells “We got 'em!”

There are only two hard things in Computer Science: cache invalidation, naming things, and off-by-one errors.

There are two types of people in the world: Those who can extrapolate from incomplete data sets

Did you hear about the man who got cooled to absolute zero?

He's 0K now.

A man is on his first visit to Boston, and he wants to try some of that delicious New England seafood that he'd long heard about. So he gets into a cab, and asks the driver, “Can you take me to where I can get scrod?” The driver replies, “I've heard that question a thousand time, but never in the pluperfect subjunctive.”

There are two kittens on a slick leather couch. Which one slides off first?

The one with the lowest mew.

The programmer's wife tells him: “Run to the store and pick up a loaf of bread. If they have eggs, get a dozen.”

The programmer comes home with 12 loaves of bread.

The programmer's wife says, “Where's the 13th loaf of bread…and what are you doing home?”

A Photon checks into a hotel and the bellhop asks him if he has any luggage. The Photon replies “No I'm traveling light”

Yo mamma has less class than a Marxist utopia.

How many Marxists does it take to screw in a light bulb?

None; the bulb contains the seeds of its own revolution.

A hundred kilopascals go into a bar.

This sentence contains exactly threee erors.

A Roman walks into a bar and asks for a martinus.

“You mean a martini?” the bartender asks.

The Roman replies, “If I wanted a double, I would have asked for it!”

A German walks into a bar and asks for a martini. The bartender asks “dry?”, he replies “nein, just one”

An American walking down the street in Germany passes a man peeing in the bushes and disgustedly exclaims, “Gross!”. He replies with a grin, “Danke Schon!”

How can you tell the difference between a chemist and a plumber? Ask them to pronounce unionized.

Forty days pass, the flood recedes, and Noah and his family are settling in. Noah's wife notices that all the animals are starting to reproduce, except for a pair of snakes. She asks Noah about it, and he says he'll take care of it. A week later, Noah brings his wife out to the workshop, and shows her the snakes in their basket on top of the picnic table he just built. “How is this going to get them to reproduce?” she asks. “Trust me,” he replies. A few days after that, she notices there are eggs in the basket. She is delighted, and asks Noah how the picnic table could have possibly helped. He says, “My dear, even adders can multiply on a log table.”

Q: What do you get when you put root beer in a square glass? A: Beer

What do you get when you cross a joke with a rhetorical question?

There's a band called 1023MB. They haven't had any gigs yet.

An infinite number of mathematicians walk into a bar.

The bartender: “What'll it be, boys?”

The first mathematician: “I’ll have one half of a beer.”

The second mathematician: “I’ll have one quarter of a beer.”

The third mathematician: “I’ll have one eight of a beer.”

The forth mathematician: “I’ll have one sixteenth of a …”

The bartender interrupts and says “Know your limits, boys” as he pours our a single beer.

They say a Freudian slip is when you say one thing, but you really mean your mother.

3 logicians walk into a bar. The bartender asks “Do y'all want a drink?”

The first logician says “I don't know.”

The second logician says “I don't know.”

The third logician says “Yes!”

I hear Heisenburg and his wife are having problems; When he has the time, he doesn't have the energy, and when he has the position, he can't get the momentum.

Heisenberg was speeding down the highway. Cop pulled him over and says “Son, do you have any idea how dangerous it is to go 100 miles an hour down this road?”

To which Heisenberg replied, “Great, now I'm lost!”

Two strings walk into a bar and sit down. The bartender says, “So what'll it be?”

The first string says, “I think I'll have a beer quag fulk boorg jdkCjfdLk jk3s d#f67howe%U r89nvy owmc63Dz x.xvcu”

“Please excuse my friend,” the second string says, “He isn't null-terminated.”

“We don't serve faster-than-light particles here”, says the barman. A tachyon walks into a bar.

jokes.txt · Last modified: 2013/09/27 17:17 by dlicious
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